My Awesome & Fantastic Story About Hogwarts School
by B. M. Reed
Summary: If you don't read this, I promise a grindylow will eat your eyeballs when you think you're safe in bed. On Christmas Eve.
1. The Intro That Will Change Your Life

**Disclaimer**: For the love of God, preps, no FLAMES. Ha, just kidding, but be forewarned this story is a very intrinsic story about my life and people I know. Any character mentioned is a reference to someone I know in real life, specifically people I work with. My friends Jessica & Taylor are in fact my best firends. See if you can work this out, but if you can't, too bad, you probably weren't meant to be reading something with such a high reading level anyway. Also, I do not own Harry Potter..._duh_.

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**The Introduction That Will Change Your Life**

My name is Brittany Awesome Reed, and I am the best witch in the world. I go to school with my friends Jessica Ariana Gilley and Taylor Mexijew Garcia. We go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry together. I am in luv with Severus Snape, he is the sexiest, kindest, bravest, gentlest man I have ever met. Everyone always thinks his hair is super greasy, but I know that he just puts too much Bedhead Manipulator in it. I'm trying to get him to work on it, okay? He has feelings, too, so dont think he doesnt. Actually, I'm here to tell you all about him. This is my story. About Severus. Snape.

But first thing's first, I should tell you about my friend Jessica Ariana Gilley. She's a sexy redhead. It's not natural though, oops, don't hit me gurl call me up latez. Anyways, she isn't all that good at magic but she knows how to party. And in the Wizarding world, that's pretty damn important. And in case you're thinking, "Anyone can learn that shit," think again. It's somethin' you can't learn. You gotta be born with it.

Taylor Mexijew Garcia, on the other hand, isn't all that good at partying. Give her one shot of Firewhiskey and she falls on the floor, appearing dead but actually just unconscious. No. What my little Jewish witch friend is good at is in fact being fierce. And I mean, as any flamboyant gay man would say, "That bitch is _FIERCE_." Don't fuck with her. Because she will rip your throat out and feed it to your pet rabbit, and laugh as you watch lil' Fluffy eat it with the utmost joy. And then tell the whole school about it. Kiss your rep goodbye.

I bet you're wondering why my awesome fantastic sexy magnificent spectacular homies even matter. Well, I'll tell you. It's because they helped me get with this sexy Slytherin, Severus Snape. See, I used to be with this loser named Draco Malfoy. Talk about a sissy. When I first met him, I honestly thought he was the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas. The caterpillar's spats. Whatever. He used to be BAMF, for real. Like I honestly met him at BAMF Camp. Everyone thought we were a pretty cool couple, and in fact, I actually was stupid enough to believe that we were. Then I came to Hogwarts and it all changed.

See, I didn't get to come to Hogwarts at age 11 like most of the other witches and wizards here. I had the misfortune of going to other wizarding schools and kept getting kicked out of all of them. I don't know what it is, I guess they just couldn't handle my awesomeness. My friends Taylor Mexijew Garcia and Jessica Ariana Gilley were the same way. We just couldn't find our niche. I first started going to Hogwarts before them, you see, and soon after I was able to recruit them to compete the Trio of Fabuloso. That's what I call us, you see. And everyone else for that matter.

The Headmaster of this fantastic school is Albus Dumbledore. The dude has been around forever, seriously. Nobody can ever tell how old he is, but he's kind of weird, and he says a lot of things that don't make much sense. He has impeccable fashion sense, though, and I think that's why they keep him around. And he has an awesome beard, which Jessica Ariana Gilley really appreciates. (She likes dirty hipsters.)

Severus Snape is a teacher here. He teaches Potions, and he's flippin' amazing at it. He's also kind of an asshole, which I adore. I thought Draco was an asshole, but ohmygoodness, Severus has him beat. Draco was just empty words and all "I kid, I kid" but Severus doesn't even allot your pathetic self that much. He leaves you to wonder if what he said was true or not, and let me tell you, that can take days. He's also sexy as hell, and good in bed, qualities any boyfriend I have must possess.

Hogwarts in itself can have its ups and downs. There's good food here, but it's really fattening. There's a seemingly endless supply of Firewhiskey and Butterbeer but we're not really allowed to have any. Which is super lame, because Jessica Ariana Gilley gets a little twitchy if she doesn't get her fix. But there's always plenty of sad and stupid little souls that Taylor Mexijew Garcia can feast upon, and let me tell you, if souls had calories that bitch would be fat as hell.

Pretty much what I've been trying to say is that I've got it made. I got my Trio of Fabuloso and the best boyfriend on earth, all in one place. And not to mention bitches love me. And if they talk shit, well, hayterz gunna hayte.

Really, this introduction is kind of getting on the long side. I guess you're really wondering what this story is about, if it has a point, and if you're wasting time reading this when you could be doing something else equally as pathetic, like getting rid of your garden gnomes. That's cool. I'm not really here to impress you, and I'm not going to beg you to read my story. MY STORY DON'T NEED YOU, OK?


	2. Chapters Are For Losers

**Disclaimer: **Gawd prepz I tld u no flamz! Just kidding (again). At this current moment I have received zero bad reviews on this story. As a matter of fact, I have received no reviews at all, which I'm actually thankful for, because that means that my story is still up and able to take over the Internet. Haterz gonna hate. (I don't own Harry Potter).

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**Chapters Are For Losers**

I guess I should start from the beginning. When I started at Hogwarts. Pretty much, I started late. I was 20. Don't laugh, everyone starts at different times, Dumbledore told me, and it's completely normal. So shut up and shove some more dungballs in your mouth, ok? I met some pretty cool people there at first, but mostly bitches were crazy. I don't know what's up with this place, but there's like zero rules, especially if you're bopping your Charms teacher in his office. Or in the Astrology tower. Or in Filch's closet. Whatever, to each their own...I suppose. It wouldn't really matter too much, but who wants to see the Charms slut get all O's when they should be getting T's?

My first real Hogwarts friend was Hermione Granger. She's pretty cool. She knows a lot of shit, and always seems to have an answer. I spent a lot of time confiding in her about my awesome boyfriend Draco Malfoy. Oddly, she had never heard of him. She is a pretty good confidant, and I like her generosity with advice. A lot of people like her. She's dating this guy named Ron Weasley. He's a prick, and I don't like him. Moving on.

Pansy Parkinson is the Charms slut I was talking about. I'm technically related to her, but only through this weird, obscure way that nobody understands when I explain it to them. She's in Slytherin, and I'm in Ravenclaw, so we don't have to spend that much time together. But I still have to see her in Charms, and sometimes it blows. It really did during the beginning anyways. I thought we could be like, bffs, but she made it clear very shortly after I started going there that my lack of penis resulted in lack of interest in having any sort of real connection. Heh, get it? Regardless, I was real butthurt about it for a short amount of time, which I complained loudly to my boyfriend Draco Malfoy. He wasn't pleased. He was never very interested in hearing me complain. And I'm sorry, but boyfriends should hear their girlfriends complain every once in awhile. Just my opinion, though.

Our Charms teacher used to be this mousy lookin' dude named Peter Pettigrew. He basically ran the show, and was notoriously married, and notoriously bad at being married. Pansy Parkinson wasn't the only slut in Charms, unfortunately. There was another chick, Lavender Brown. Bitch was off her rocker, everyone knew it, nobody did a thing about it. For awhile, Pansy and Lavender were fighting over Peter. Didn't really get it, the guy wasn't very attractive, or even interesting. Mostly everyone hated him. He was terrible at teaching us anything useful. A lot of the times he wasn't even in the room, which would piss Hermione off, you see. She's really on top of things, and she really hates it when teachers don't do their jobs. If she had a question about anything, she would raise her hand and then realize that there was literally nobody to answer it. She would then proceed to go into rage mode and complain about Peter and how he really needed to get the sack. I agreed, he was causing too much trouble. It was hard to concentrate on school work when there were two crazy hoes fighting over one guy. Whatever, we got through that, and here's how:

One night Lavender was trying to use the Prefect's bathroom on the third floor, even though she was far from a Prefect. She said the magic password (Nargles) and the door would not open. She got pretty pissed off, I guess, because she automatically assumed that Peter was in there with Pansy. Whether he was or not, nobody was certain, because she couldn't get in there. She however took this newfound suspicion and ran with it, fast, to everyone in Charms. She sent owls to everyone, including another teacher, Professor Quirrell, who was allegedly doing Pansy as well. Professor Quirrell and I were on good terms, that is to say, he would tell me every detail about Pansy and him, even things I didn't care to know. Which was fine, I suppose...guess the dude needed someone to talk to. Things escalated I guess, I don't really know, because I think it was the weekend or something. Anyways, the next time I was in Charms, Pansy was not there, and Lavender took this as an admission of guilt and literally flipped her shit. Everyone would pretty much just nod and smile at Lavender, including me. Don't go poking at the sleeping goblin, you know? By the time class was over, (Quirrell was actually substituting that day, hmmm) Lavender had worked herself into a frenzy and had to be taken to the hospital wing for a sleeping draught.

Next Charms class rolls around, and Peter got the sack. A new teacher named Professor Flitwick came to be, and everyone really liked him. Flitwick insisted that Peter did not get the sack for any alleged rumors or suspicions, but in fact it was because he was not giving students enough detentions. Or something. It was kind of weird, and think what you want about it, but to this day I thank my lucky stars Peter doesn't teach Charms anymore. Too. Much. Trouble.


	3. Ch4pters Are For Losers

**Disclaimer: **ok prpz i alredy tuld u gyz dat i dun kare wut u guyz fink bout me ok! (That really never gets old.) Still no reviews, which I am most grateful for, because that means nobody has complained. And that means my story still has potential to completely shut down the internet. Idon'townHarryPotter,shit. Did I make you double look?

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**Chapters Are For Losers**

When Flitwick replaced Peter, things improved quite a bit. Everyone seemed a little bit happier, especially Hermione. Pansy looked a little put out, but everyone assumed she would move on to fresher territory, namely Flitwick. Sad for her, Flitwick liked men, ha!

For only a short time though did Miss Lavender Brown remain. It was reported that Professor Quirrell got sick and tired of her spreading gossip and writing owls to everyone about things that served little purpose in their brains. Also there was the small detail that she hardly got along with anyone and we all walked on eggshells around her so as to not watch her explode like a Pygmy Puff. Ever seen one of them explode? Eugh, you get the picture.

Then one night Quirrell caught Lavender doing the unthinkable: stealing from Charms class. What she stole is to this day in fact a mystery. Honestly, the fact she stole at all is not really that unthinkable. It was well known that Lavender stole, however, it was difficult to trace the theft directly to her; also I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that Peter used to bang the girl as well. As I said, he was terrible at being married. It was often wondered whether he even remembered that he was married at all a lot of the time. Did I ever mention he had a bouncin' tot on top of it all?

But back on topic, when Lavender was discovered stealing that fateful night by Professor Quirrell, it is reported that he took the matter straight to Dumbledore and she was immediately expelled. I think even the Headmaster himself had had enough of Lavender's behavior and was sick of getting all the bullying reports. (The owls were pooping all over his office, and from what I understand, he cannot stand things that are not clean and organized.) I'm sure the Headmaster heaved a huge sigh of relief after that bitch was expelled.

As you can imagine, when Professor Flitwick shared the "bad" news in Charms the next day, nobody was terribly sad. Actually, everyone present had seen it coming from a mile away. And almost immediately after Lavender's expulsion, two of Lavender's stupid friends, Hannah Abbott and Hetty Bayliss, got expelled too. (Funny story about Hetty, actually. She was a Muggle, and it took them two years to figure it out.)

I bet you're wondering what all this blabbering has to do with Severus Snape, and even me, other than the fact of course that I was witnessing all of it and had to deal with every single tiny rumor and gossip that was floating around the Great Hall. Seriously, when you walk in there, every bad thing anyone has said about another gets added up to the thousands of candles floating. Like, it's possible for that room to be _too_ bright. But honestly, I'm gonna come out and say that this really doesn't have much to do with Severus Snape. If you stop reading, that's ok, because guess what? MY STORY DON'T NEED YOU, WHORE!


	4. Chapters 4re For Losers

Disclaimer: PRPZ u r just stoopid slutz n u gyz dun no shit bout riting fanfix ok? (I dunt awn Hrry Pottr, so fuk of!10

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**Chapters Are For Losers**

By this time I had already recruited my awesome and sexy friend Taylor Mexijew Garcia. I begged and begged Professor Quirrell to give her a recommendation, and when she was finally admitted, my heart sung with more joy than Mrs. Norris on tuna casserole Sunday. Charms was a lot more fun with her, although a lot of the times she was scheduled for Astrology when I had to be in Charms, which made me a pretty sad Blast Ended Skrewt. (You wouldn't like a sad Blast Ended Skrewt).

Perhaps I should talk about my first conversation with my darling Severus? I know you're dying to know how this all got started. See, when I first started at Hogwarts, I was discussing a matter with Professor Quirrell that was not entirely appropriate, but in a joking manner. Severus walked up behind us and heard our conversation.

"I'm reporting you two to Dumbledore," he said curtly. I was taken aback, of course, because I had never seen this man in my life.

"What?" I asked, rather stupidly.

Quirrell laughed, and Severus walked away, toward the dungeons, his voluminous cape billowing proudly behind him.

"Was he being serious?" I asked, genuinely concerned for my new found place at Hogwarts, and not wanting to lose it.

"N-no, o-of course not, S-s-severus is a j-j-joker, he is," Quirrell replied.

There you have it. The first words Severus and I spoke to each other. Does it sound like love? You bet your bottom dollar it does! I will cherish these words for the rest of my life, and probably will ask for them to be etched into my tombstone, quotations and all.

I won't lie though that Severus and I had a pretty slow start. Seeing as I had a boyfriend whom I thought was the mutt's nuts and Severus barely knew who I was, it took a minute for us to properly be introduced. Actually, I don't think we were ever properly introduced, and I can tell you why.

Shortly after admission to Hogwarts, I found out that we were allowed a pet: a cat, a toad, or an owl. Well, I don't like to follow rules too much, and I promptly went out that next weekend to Diagon Alley and straight into the Magical Menagerie, and what do you know, I bought a rat. Not just any rat though, mind you. This rat was cute as hell, had soft fur, a long naked tail, and the cutest little blue eyes you ever done seen in your entire pathetic life. Yeah, I'm talking to you, reader, and don't you forget it. Well, I got this rat as a baby, and she was afraid of me you see, because she had never been handled so much before. I won't tell you what I named her, though, because it still pains me to speak her name.

Having a pet made me feel special. I fed her, and let her run around and poop wherever she wanted, then proceeded to pick it up only to find more poop. Seriously, that fucking animal was so full of shit, I wondered if that was all I'd find if I ever looked inside her. Anyway, the nice old witch at the Magical Menagerie said that my rat would grow used to me if I put her on my shoulder and walked around with her. So after my rat finally stopped shitting everywhere all the time, I decided to give it a try. I felt pretty badass, not gonna lie, with this cute little rodent on my shoulder. I imagined myself two years from then, when my cute little rat was all grown up and fat and huge and sitting on my shoulder. I felt proud for literally no reason, just at the thought of having a pet that long, I guess. As I was thinking about how precious this was, my little bundle of joy scooted her little self straight to my ear, and sniffed it.

I thought this was cute, but I did not anticipate the horrors that awaited me. That dumb cunt decided my ear was a yoghurt treat and fucking started chomping on it like dinner time!

How can I explain the pain? Imagine someone taking razor blades and trying to use them to shred into your skin without relent. To be honest the pain is inexplicable, and I've never felt anything like it before. I started crying, not because of the pain, I'm not a pussy for pain, but because I was so scared that I got the bad egg of the litter. I couldn't explain to myself why my rat was biting me, whom I had grown to love in such a short period of time. I know you're probably wondering why I didn't immediately try to get her off me, but the reason is because I had no idea how to go about doing it. I think my reaction scared her a lot, because I started moving around a bunch, and basically flipping out, and not wanting to pull the rat away and lose part of my ear in the process. I don't remember how I did it, but I did, and holy shit, I threw that little fucker into her cage so fast I couldn't even say 'Quidditch'.

It took forever for the bleeding to stop. I was crying on top of it, I think out of shock. It hurt a lot, but pain is no mystery to me. At that point Draco popped in and saw blood all over me. He didn't freak out though, surprisingly, and helped me stop the bleeding with his wand. He was pretty good at healing spells.

For a few days I didn't think much of the bite as it started to heal. I actually told some of my classmates and proudly showed them my battle wound, while they looked at it with disgust and interest.

Oh how little I knew.


	5. Chapt3rs Are For Losers

**Disclaimer: **dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 Okay, fine...I didn't get 10000 reviews. I didn't get any. And I'm not even that sad about it. =) (I do not own Harry Potter.)

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**Chapters Are For Losers**

One night a few days after my stupid rat bit me, I was sitting in the Great Hall eating, staring at the ceiling and trying to count all the rumor candles. It wasn't really working because they move around and I kept losing my count, and I'm terrible at counting anyway, so I gave up, and grabbed the last piece of cherry pie from a disappointed first year. I stuck my tongue out at him and ate every last piece of that pie and then belched like a man.

That night my sleep was interrupted with a terrible coldness. I curled up in a ball, goose pimples springing up all over my body, trying to half-asleep-like make sure my blankets were positioned for maximum warmth. At one point, I woke up and felt very nauseous. My first instinct was that I had to throw up, and I got up and proceeded to do so in the toilet. I then immediately lay back down. All I can really remember thinking is that I couldn't get warm, and that I'd never be warm again, and when morning finally came, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

That day I was sitting in Muggle Studies class, and I felt like complete shit. I was still so cold, no matter what I did, and at one point I felt so dizzy and light headed I had no idea what to do other than go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to vomit again. I hovered over the toilet and I realized that my eyesight was going completely spotty and dim, and that I heard this horrible ringing in my ears, and I wondered if Voldemort was possessing me for evil deeds, or just to look at me naked in the mirror. I stood very still for a few moments and it finally passed, although I felt a washing cold all over my body and I felt so terrible I thought I might die.

I suppose that when these things happen to me I become rather melodramatic, but also, I really hated Muggle Studies and I wanted nothing more than to go back to my bed and attempt to sleep. After class I immediately went to my bed and shivered and tossed and turned, and finally fell asleep. Nothing felt real to me at this point, and in the back of my mind, I think I was truly afraid that something terrible was happening to me. Honestly, something terrible _was_ happening to me, but at that time I could not imagine what it was. I didn't answer any of my owl posts for hours and hours, I'm surprised nobody came looking for me, because that's quite unlike me. I woke up abruptly at one point and went straight to the bathroom and threw up my small lunch I ate before Muggle Studies. I felt slightly better, but not much, and I was incredibly thirsty but I didn't have anything but pumkin juice. I drank some, but it tasted so odd to me that I didn't finish my glass.

The next 14 hours were a blur. Draco was alarmed that I hadn't returned his owl and came to check on me. He said I needed to see Madam Pomfry. I don't know why I was being so stubborn, I guess because I didn't want to make a fuss over something that would end very soon. He said I was running a very high fever, and that fevers were dangerous, and I needed hydration. He was appalled that I hadn't been drinking, especially since I had vomited twice, but I tried to explain that I had been trying too hard to sleep to do much else. To be honest the dude was annoying me, a lot, and I didn't want to move from my spot. When I got up, I felt cold, and at that moment in time all I could think about was being warm. He said I may have the flu, which Muggles get more often than wizards.

I was trying to think about the reason for my flu. Perhaps a filthy first year gave it to me, or a Mudblood since they spent so much time with Muggles. Or maybe I really just got poisoned from something I ate the night before. My thoughts shifted immediately to the pie I stole from that first year.

Shit, I was thinking. I felt karma had slapped me in the face. The next day or so is kinda hazy in my mind. I know Draco pretty much shoved water down my throat. I threw up a lot of it. I was so dehydrated. I tried to drink some pumkin juice but it tasted too odd. I figured when I was done being sick, I would enjoy my favorite beverage again. Eventually the fever and vomiting subsided. I had to miss a couple Muggle Studies because of this, but I vowed to go the next day. Later that evening, though, I woke up from a nap to see some strange red marks on my hands and feet, that felt like I had the beginnings of blisters. My hands and feet were slightly prickly, and I thought maybe I had slept on them wrong, or something. But the next day when I awoke, the redness had worsened, and I saw pus under some of the red marks, and I was scared...a lot. I knew better than to try to do my own healing spell on myself. Last time I tried that I ended up with warts all over my feet.

I finally gave in to go to the Hospital Wing. I definitely am too stubborn for my own good. I arrived and Madam Pomfry was honestly incredibly taken aback by what she saw, and after I described the events of the week, she was even more baffled. She asked me if I had any pets and I told her that I had a rat, and she had bit me a few days before I started feeling ill. Her eyes widened and she hurried off to a bookshelf, and found a book and leafed through it. She sighed and came over to me, and showed me what she had found:

**Rat Bite Fever  
**Rare disease, caused by rodents, mostly rats.  
Passed from rodent to human.  
Symptoms: fever, nausea, chills, muscle aches, vomiting, rash, wearing of the joints  
Cure: Drought of Cleansing

This scared the shit outta me. RATS CAN GIVE ME DISEASES? AND NOBODY TOLD ME? I had a rare disease, and my joins were wearing down as I sat there? What the actual fuck?

Thankfully, this disease was easily taken care of. The Drought of Cleansing she gave me worked like a charm, although that night was horrible. Because I had waited so long to see her, the disease had worked its way through my body and I could barely walk because my joints hurt so bad. Honestly, all I could think was, "What the fuck. I am a goddamn witch, and I can't walk right now because a fucking rat bit my ear."

It was humilating.


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